So six weeks have come and gone since Reese was born. It was the slowest and fastest 6 weeks of my life. I have been so excited to get back into the gym to finish what I had started before I became pregnant with her. I have been on a weight loss journey since Lily was 4 months old, yes that would be nearly 2 years now. You can't tell too much just by looking at me. I realized the past few weeks that I have a LOT of emotional baggage I need to work through to get me where I need to be mentally. It hasn't been easy going back to that pain, but it's necessary if I want to be successful at becoming truly healthy. I have been talking to Todd a little bit about what I have been feeling and sensing for pretty much my whole life, in regards to how I see myself. It's not a pretty picture. Plus there are experiences that just magnify the whole problem as well. But for some reason I feel like I need to write them down so I can go back and check them off my list.
Since this is pretty much the place where I know it will be there when I need it, I'm using my blog as a starting point. One big set back happened for me my freshman year in college. I had been working on the moving crew on campus. This job consisted of sitting in a stinky truck with a chain-smoking redneck listening to country music and moving around chairs, tables, platforms, and gymnastic equipment. Super fun job, I know! Well we usually worked mornings but because of scheduling we were required to work a night right after a gymnastics meet and clear the floor for something else the next morning. I had given up plans and a date to work that evening. Our boss's truck had a lift on the back that had broken. He drove it into the stadium and put it down to load something. I commented on how he had gotten it fixed and asked what they thought had broken it. He said it was my fault... I promptly asked why it was my fault seeing as if I did something I wanted to remedy it. He said that they needed to stop lifting "fat girls" on the lift. My heart broke in two. I just said oh and walked away. I held back the tears just long enough to get home. Once there, there was no stopping them. That next week, I quit my job and tried to get as far away from that man as possible. I had never had someone treat me so awful. Ever since that day, I have really struggled with my self image. Even now as I'm typing, I'm getting emotional.
Growing up, I never had any really close friends that I could lean on. Sure, I had friends I would play with and talk to, but either I was too guarded or they weren't interested in becoming super good friends. I guess part of that is because I thought I was cooler than everyone else, which in turn made me the loner... Now looking back, I was bitter, ornery, and just dumb! It didn't help that I had a member of my family always reminding me how big I was getting. Even though this person was quite overweight themselves. I don't think I have ever forgiven them and I think that is where all of our relationship issues stem from. Since becoming a mother, and being introduced to different parenting and family styles, I have been rudely reminded that the home I grew up in was not normal. The things that my father and brothers would say to me, are appalling! But yet, that's how I see myself everyday when I look in the mirror. It's hard for me to believe that an amazing man such as Todd would love me and find me attractive in any sense of the word. I have been telling myself such negative things for so long! It is a battle within myself every day! Am I really worth fighting for? Or should I just give in to the temptations of that stupid chocolate?
Well, I have been working on it! I have been trying to look at myself and see someone who is truly beautiful rather than looking at all my faults! I have two beautiful girls that deserve a mother who sees her own beauty and can show them that they are really beautiful as well! I get cold chills just thinking about how gorgeous they are to me! And yet, I can't look at myself as see how attractive I am! So it starts NOW! It is time for me to look at myself and see the good things! Who cares about what other people think?! All that matters is myself and if Todd is still attracted to me! Now is the day that I don't drowned myself in sugar or fats! I AM BEAUTIFUL! I am NOT fat! I am just how I should be! I am going to treat myself like I would a brand new expensive car! No junk in me! Just the best ingredients!!!!!!!
If you have made it this far, wow.... thanks for listening!
7 comments:
you are amazing Christie! i know you can reach your goals, and be the person you want to be. kudos!
i agree with what heidi said. and christie, i can't believe what your boss said! that's just wrong and completely inappropriate. i'm glad to hear you quit that job.
if it means anything to you, the first time i met you in institute choir, the first thought that went through my mind was 'wow, she's really pretty' :)
good luck on your goals. i know you will do it, and todd will only love you more for doing it! your daughters are beautiful, and so are you, and don't ever forget it!
My dear Christie,
What a wonderful friend you are to me. You inspire me to be better and do more. In some ways I can say I totally understand in others I know that you are the only one that is feeling this because it is indivdule. I do know with all my heart though that Heavenly Father did not make one unattractive woman. We are all daughters of God and becasue of our Savior we can make it through road blocks in our lives. What you are doing is an example to so many of us. The importance to be healthy physically, mentally and emotionally is SO important and you are showing me how to make steps to being a better daughter of God and mother. Thank you for that. Thank you for your love and friendship, your example, for being you. Becasue to me you are beautiful and wonderful and a blessing in my life. I love you!
-Lacie
Reese is so darling. Congratulations! her blessing dress is beautiful. Weight loss is a total mind thing, once you can focus mentally the weight will just fall off. You just have to remember that others may say crude things to you because of the way they feel about themselves. I really see that in the way your dad/brothers treated you. You are a beautiful daughter of god and that's all that matters. Just stay positive and learn to love yourself from the inside. Even when you get to your goal weight, if the inside has not changed you will never be happy with yourself. You are a great person and it sounds that you have come a long way! Keep on that path, (by the ways it's ok to give into the chocolate sometimes!). Love ya lots!
I KNOW you can do it and I will keep telling you that everyday if you need me to.
Christie - you are so gorgeous!!! I love ya and think you are SUPER great! It should be everyone's job to stay away from negative awful people. And as a side note if you ever see that guy again I'd be happy to make sure he never procreates. :) Loves!
I haven't read your blog in forever, but I loved reading your thoughts, because I'm glad you could get them out. Over the last few years I've wondered many times how you manage to be so happy and beautiful, and I look up to you. To you know you struggle, and still are so beautiful is amazing. Now as you become even MORE beautiful, you'll just make me jealous ;) joke joke. Know that I love you so much!
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