Have you ever just looked at yourself? Stood in front of a mirror and really truly looked at yourself? I've been doing this a lot lately especially going through the journey I've been going on. I feel like my whole life I've just been looking out of rose colored glasses and now they have been ripped off with a vengeance! It's hard to look at yourself and see what is truly there, not just what you think is there. I've never thought that I was fat, because I've gone off of others' comments and spoken opinions. That wasn't very smart because everyone was just trying to be nice, which I really do appreciate looking back. I mentally see myself as I did in middle school, skinny and "healthy". I never really LOOKED at myself. I've been taking all of these classes at my gym and the room that it's held in has a huge mirror along the wall and you can't help but look at yourself as you work out. I look at myself and I look at all the other people around me and I realize what I've become. I haven't cared for so long that now that I care and can see what's there, it seems completely overwhelming! I am more in tune to what I've feeling and what I'm doing, but it's completely disheartening. I've been changing so much this past year, I feel like a completely different person. I feel like I don't know who I'm looking at anymore.
This process is the hardest thing I have ever done! I am fighting against myself. I can debate against anyone to get my way, but now I am fighting against myself, what a crappy fight! I just want to yell at the top of my lungs and just say that I have the habits that I want and I have the life that I want. It is a challenge to get up every day. It's a challenge to go to the gym. It's a challenge not to eat the cookie, hamburger, ice cream... etc. It's such a challenge that I believe I'm failing. I try to say, take each day at a time, but even that becomes too much! I have always loved how I felt when I truly live healthy, but it's remembering that when the temptation is right there in front of me. I look all around me and I see all of these people who have been very successful in losing weight. They are just shedding away, while I stay right where I am because of stupid choices. I've been working with so many WONDERFUL people trying to reach my goals but I feel as soon as I go home, I sit down, turn on the TV, and there goes another day! Why is it so hard to be active?! I hate people that watch TV all day! I've been discovering all the things I hate about other people, are the real qualities in me that I don't want to face! Why do I judge those people? It's because I don't want to look at myself so it's so much easier to just place it on someone else! Is it worth just giving up and going back to my old lifestyle? Sometimes I think that it might be... but I know in my heart that it's not, that's what makes it suck so bad!
7 comments:
Old habits die hard...just remember you can't change who you are in one day...and don't beat yourself up, it will make you feel worst. I promise you this, as soon as I am done with the block, I'll be your work out buddy,and even go to the gym with you. Sorry I can't do it sooner, I have no life at the moment.
Someone once told me that it takes 21 days to break a habit and a lifetime to change it. I've been biting my nails ALL MY LIFE! I found this great product and I've been putting it no my nails for over a month now. I've broke the habit, but every day I have to look at my nails and make the decision not to give in to the temptation. It's not a big deal for anyone except for me, so it might sound silly but for me it's going to be a daily thing I have to decide. My next step is to do as you're doing and make some changes with my health. I want to have another baby, but I want to loose some weight first. I don't have to do it for any other reason than that's what I want. You'd think it would be reason enough!!I'm struggling to find the desire and drive to bring on that challenge. I admire you and your honesty in your blog! Stay strong!
I think the winter weather is probably one reason why it's hard for you to stay active. I know it would be easier for me to get out if we didn't have this disgusting inversion up here. Let's bring on the spring, and bring on May!!
Thanks Amy! I'm making those decisions, it just takes practice and positive reinforcement! I'll make it, I just need to keep it positive in my head!
Wow. Christie I really feel the same way. It is hard because I have lost weight before and I don't know how it happened that I started to not care again. You are doing so great and everytime I see you saying you are losing weight you are helping me. I do good for a couple of days and then I am back to old habits. I say how I want to go and do, and then never do. I am slowly getting better, but I am definetly not doing and going as fast as I should be. Everytime I always say this time I am doing it for good. I admire that you keep going. I do have a tendancy to give up instead. This is not an easy battle, but it helps to know I am not doing it alone!!
It really is the hardest thing ever! Everyone has a hard time at one point or another, but just remember, when you've made your goal, you'll be happy!
I'm right there with ya Christie. The only difference is that you are doing something about it. I'm still struggling to get my motivation. I keep telling myself that I'll start when life settles down a little bit, but I need to face reality and realize that it's not going to slow down, it's speeding up.
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